Last Falling Leaves

I still am not sure about this feeling.

In fact, I don’t even know how to start this post. It’s just that the thought of me, moving to college is still quite unclear. I have been very excited ever since, however, questions like “Am I prepared for college?” or “Am I really ready?” had been bugging me for a while. I think these might be some of the reasons:

1) Start of Something New

Studying in college requires great courage and confidence in yourself because as they describe it, it’s HARD. This coming school year it will be a great challenge for me, why? let’s just say that I live about ten hours away from this university where I will be studying (that would mean hundreds of kilometers) and out of the thousands of incoming freshmen, I only know two of them, and we are not even in the same degree program nor the same college.

I know that I have this problem about being such an “unsociable” person, well I am not saying that I am a bad one but it’s just that I am typically shy and I just don’t know how to put on a good conversation with a friend, let alone a stranger. Yeah, it feels like I will be going into a community where I need to be with other people, because I need them to survive, we need each other to survive.

It really takes a lot of adjustments and I just really hope that I will be able to adapt to everything.

2) Workloads

College workloads are just so far away from high school’s. So this means, if I have already acquired my super effort in high school, I’ll be needing that *insert an adjective in the superlative to the positive infinity degree here* effort just to finish college well. If I only got less than eight hours of sleep in high school, I think I will be missing sleep in college.

3) Independence

Well, this is something that we, youth, have been rooting for ever since. Others might think that it’s good to be independent, but I reckon there is still the downside of it. For me, college is the best reflection of a society where you will be living as a citizen not as a student anymore.  So those things that it will teach will be very useful in the future.

Independence means you have to budget your allowance well. Like how college requires a lot of help, it also requires a lot of money. So, if I have only a limited amount of resources, I should be able to use them well.

Independence means you should know how to work alone. Unlike in high school, where you can still seek help from your teachers or your classmates or your siblings, college demands you to be productive in working alone.

Dear reader

There are more things that college wants from us. And I think enumerating them all would take time. But, if you are like me, I think we need to see college from a different view. I consider myself as a tree and all those falling leaves were my past attitudes and paradigms about the world, and I am removing them now to grow better , a better tree, a better me. Perhaps these fears will be fears by now, but I hope that as time will go on, they will be gradually erased.

Reunited Once More

Today, I realized that the galaxies are not just composed of stars, but of constellations as well. You might not see the difference but I reckon there is – the bonds between them. They share something in common and that they create good combinations. Like a family at its finest. You might not see the bond and connection but you can feel it, in your heart, and in your soul.

Before, we were broken, like a glass shattered into pieces. These have made us bleed and made the bond weak and vulnerable. I’ve thought that nothing could mend it anymore and that it would remain as it is. But I was wrong.

We were hunted by the concept of complex interdependence. One cannot live without the other. To remove the fractures, we tried to forgive and forget. We weighed those happy memories more than our pride. It may have took time but at least we now have a better relationship. The sweetest of them all.

Dear reader, 

Whatever happens in your life, remember that your family will always be there for you. And if your family have problems, solve them as soon as possible. That was our mistake, it took so long for us to realize its importance. But I will never be going back anymore. And this end will be my beginning.

Apathy.

Relationships, maybe it by blood that runs through your veins or by other types of connections, do not always have happy endings. I am a living proof to that. Let us take it like this…

I was once a faithful servant of His Royal Highness and Her Majesty Queen. I did all my best I could to meet their needs and wants by action, not by words alone.But then they were conquered by worldly things. They only value the material and earthly things. They turned out to be unappreciative of what’s invisible to the eyes but visible to the heart.

The wounds they have conjured are still fresh. Maybe before, we had those memories we shared but I think these are not enough anymore to bind what has been torn and to mend what has been broken. I wouldn’t mind talking to you from now on because I believe that our stars will never cross anymore and our constellations will never be fathomed again.

Before I felt love, but now I sense apathy, the lack of feeling or emotion towards you and everyone that surrounds you. I reckon you’re mature enough to understand what is to be understood. Don’t think that I hate you but you may consider that I do not appreciate your existence anymore.

People might judge me, they might have known the story but they don’t know what’s behind it. Others might turn against me, but I don’t give a damn, they have not taken those broken glasses I have breathed and they have not also suffered the bleeding of the innocence inside me.

Scars.

John Green once said “Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. i do too. That’s what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against life”.

One of the most exhilarating stage of my life (high school) will end in a couple of weeks from now. Soon, we will be receiving our diplomas which will serve as our passage for another step towards our dreams. We will soon flip another page and start another chapter, scribble our future while reminiscing the past.

But I don’t want to enter that world yet because I still want to wander what high school wants to offer me. I felt like I was inside a set of written sheets of paper while meeting the other characters. These other characters I have bumped into held a special place in the organ that pumps my blood, and I call them my “friends”.

Yes, I have enjoyed every moment I had with them but what bothers we most is that, have they shared the same feelings with me too? Those instances I had with them, have they felt love or apathy? happiness of calamity? I know I’ve never been that perfect person.The person everyone wants and likes to be with. But I think I should only be sorry for not being what the society wants to be, not for what and who I am.

I have always wanted to be noticed, but it made me improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because, like the universe, I enjoy the elegance being observed. Perhaps like John Green quoted, I have always wanted to leave a mark but this mark humans leave are too often scars. You want to be noticed but all you leave behind are more scars.

This belief should have never grown in me, that’s why I am trying to overcome them. What I am trying to achieve is to create more not just memorable but also unforgettable recollections with my friends. I hope they’d allow me so that I would be an integral part of their lives too.